A Little More About Me

What you now is a woman in her mid forties, who takes pride in her work as an Integrative Life Coach, Hypnotherapist, Retreat Leader and Public Speaker... but I haven't always had this lust for life. 

I got to 39, single, no kids.... and I suddenly felt this panic. Had I done enough in life? Was I truly happy? Should I strive for more career progression or had I put my career first for too long? Should I try and find someone and settle down and have a family? And why hadn't I done it all yet? Was it too late? What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like I don't fit in anywhere? 
 
At this point, I had 'achieved' so much on paper- amazing career as a high level manager in the fitness industry, my dream home, nice cars, amazing physique, buzzing social life... seems great, right? 

And it was.....
 
Until it really wasn't. 

I always knew my childhood wasn't the best (go to my podcast for more on that), but despite being pretty troubled (and bullied), and leaving school with 1 grade C in English, (because I f'ing hated school) I fell into the world of work, firstly retail (I was a store manager by 22, which set the tone for what I though being a success was) and then I decided to embark on a career change into fitness (having discovered it aged 21 and transformed my love of activity) and become a PT and group exercise instructor. I remember my why so clearly- I wanted to help people like I had been helped. 

At this point I was outwardly achieving a lot and was seen as super confident...and to start with, I was really happy to be helping people. That was my focus. 

But then the attention turned to me and how I looked. Aged 23, I was called 'fat'. To my face. And I was so ashamed. 

I started to hide my body, but being at the front of the class, I couldn't help but think that everyone was judging me. 
 
I had to fake the confidence, and be the bubbly, happy instructor. But in truth? I was deeply unhappy inside. 
 
Surrounded by ideas of external  perfection, I started to become very detached from my why, and a whole new beast emerged within. 
 
I channeled my lack of confidence into obsession making the 'outside' better. I became appearance obsessed. I went on a diet. I was then continuously applauded for obsessively healthy eating and 'finally' got the recognition I thought I wanted...I was LIKED! I was no longer seen as fat! (And as it happens even though I was a size 8 but became utterly miserable....mainly because I was eating so little and obsessed with keeping to the 'ideal' size and it becoming increasingly hard to maintain).

Around the same time, I was climbing the corporate ladder. I had a company car, a good salary ...a world away for my poverty ridden early start in life, growing up in a council owned flat in a pretty bad area... and this meant (to me) that I was 'someone' ... I was no longer the under educated council-estate kid with no money and jumble sale clothes...I was something! Someone!

The outside of me became my identity, and the more praise I got for being 'thin and successful' the more I craved it and needed to hang onto it. 

I had a string of poor dating and relationships (which made for comedy value and another part of my 'career matters most' identity.

Age 39, I was happy enough on the outside but crumbling on the inside. I turned to food for comfort (away from the obsessive healthy type). I was binge drinking every weekend. I was shopping excessively to cheer myself up (didn't work for longer than and a day...but hey, I still have some very swanky coats) and getting into debt. I was ill and burned out. I thought I just needed a rest and a reset. And I thought my story was all about 'work'. 

How wrong I was ....I will try and keep this short, but if you want to know more, I've said a lot on my podcast. 

I had NEVER met my Life Coach and Mentor on day 2 of a Yoga retreat. I started crying and literally couldn't stop. I didn't realise how unhappy and exhausted I had become. I was at the later stages of burnout and I needed help.
 
At that point I became 'consciously unhappy'.
 
Finally I could put some sort of perspective on my life. I knew where I was and knew I needed things to change. 

Through coaching I identified some of my surface level limiting beliefs- that I wasn't good enough to leave my job and do something different. That I wasn't good enough in the job I was in. That I wasn't good enough to attract the 'right guys' - just the wrong ones. That I was fat and ugly and this was why I was single....
 
The theme?  I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
 
Does this resonate? Feelings of not being good enough? Shrinking to fit? People pleasing? Saying yes when you want to say no? 

Further down the line with therapy, I learned this came from childhood trauma, and my deepest core belief was that I was unloveable (due to a lack of unconditional love in childhood) which explained had low level anxiety for my whole life yet thought 'I was just a worrier' (no one is a natural born worrier). I was a massive people pleaser in a bid to always be liked and never rock the boat.

As a result I was telling myself stories around what my life 'should' look like. The job I 'should' have to be seen as successful and to be 'liked'. The 'crazy' love life with inappropriate partners and drama to match. The 'independent' woman who can have everything. 

Reality? I felt unfulfilled. Miserable. Full of self loathing and I was lonely. My 'unloveable' story I knew nothing about was being kept alive by the life I was leading. 

I worked on a 12 month coaching programme, and with further therapy (ongoing) which enabled me to:

👉 be happy in my own skin, to be myself and LOVE who I am 
👉 find full self acceptance and create an suer confidence in my self image 
👉 create a healthy mindset and curb the negative self talk 
👉minimise stress and anxiety to normal healthy levels 
 👉 quit my corporate career and set up my own Coaching, Therapy and Lifestyle business in 2018
👉 became a qualified Life Coach, accredited to the ICF
👉 became a qualified Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapy student 
👉 sell my house and moved to a new city to build a new personal and business life in 2022

The list is endless.. and will keep going for me. 

But how does all if this help you?