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Why women being unapologetically themselves matters even more in a misogynistic world
Words of wisdom from a former 'self hater' with a dysfunctional child/adulthood who healed her relationship with herself and is now a therapist helping others to do the same...
You may have seen the (deserved) furore around Shane Gillis and something he described as a 'joke', basically him observing women in the gym 'now dress like wh*res' because of the clothing the wear, i.e short shorts 🙄
This awakened- and quite rightly- many women's fierce feminist anger, but for me it also awakened something way different; my inner children, because this type of behaviour isn't new; it's just platformed differently now, and women finally have a voice.
My name's Elaine, and before I became a therapist who helps women find self love, I- like all women- experienced the misogyny and hatred for simply existing, part of which contributed to a deep self loathing that would impact me for decades.
Misogyny has existed as a way of gaining power for hundreds of years is a person—typically a man, though anyone can hold these views—who hates, dislikes, mistrusts, or holds a deep-seated prejudice and contempt against women.
Root Meaning: The word comes from the ancient Greek words miso- (meaning hatred) and gynē (meaning woman), combined with the suffix -ist (denoting a person who embodies that trait).
First Usage: The English term was popularized around 1620, notably through works like the play Swetnam the Woman-Hater.
Adjective Form: Misogynistic describes behavior, attitudes, art, or speech that reflects a hatred or devaluation of women.
Whilst the 'patriarchal society' is often 'credited' with misogyny, its exists in all genders, non genders, and all sexualities.
In fact some of you may even have had Mothers or women teachers with misogynistic views because they were brought up to believe it about themselves; telling you how you 'should behave', favouring your male counterparts or allowing them to 'get away' with things you didn't.
The whole 'boys will be boys' was heavily influenced by both parents throughout the generations, who believed the views of their parents (and therefore their parents) they had no other way of learning anything different, which we absolutely do now.
This is no slight on the older generations; it just is how it was, but also that doesn't make it right, and let me be super clear here too; I am not excusing the often abusive parenting which stemmed from very rigid rules on how women should behave. There are years of conditioning and trauma- yes- but every adult has a responsibility to look at how their behaviour impacts their children, and for many they chose to continue the cycles (which for many Gen X and elder millenial women, we are starting to undo)- in fact feminism exists as a way of making a stand against years of oppression, just for being a women.
I grew up in an environment where I was parented solo by a woman whom for many reasons had her capabilities as a parent compromised, and as a result I was insecurely attached from birth. I was left a lot to be looked after by other people- often strangers to me- and people's opinions of me MATTERED because I was craving safety.
This created a blueprint of me having a very 'open' view of what I needed to do in order to be safe and loved; which also impacted how I viewed myself based solely on others opinions.
Think of it like this; securely attached children are like a sponge, taking it in and letting go what they don't need because they can be safely curious with their parents, who encourage them to be their own person. Anxiously attached children are the extra absorbent ones and avoidantly attached are sponges wrapped in protective plastic- both didn't have a safe space to be curious, therefore couldn't gauge the right perspective for them. Instead, they held it all within, and either kept searching to be liked to be safe (anxious), kept people at arms length to be safe (avoidant) or a heady mix of the two with a very unexplored, warped perspective of what was ‘safe, ‘right’ or ‘right for them’.
As an anxious girly, I was impressionable, but it meant I could also be manipulated, and growing up as a gen x’er, I didn't encounter a wealth of feminists because women were only just going through that evolution themselves. Equality didn't really exist back then in the form it does now, and misogyny was both rife and (to a degree) taught.
As a surface level example, my experience of 'home economics' was full of girls eagerly learning to cook and boys getting away with not cooking unless they wanted to be a chef.
But as my social media feed has been full of conversation this week around men ‘vs’ women’s experiences, I wanted to go deeper and looked for my own answers within. I consulted my trusted team of inner children, to reflect on what had shaped them at that time:
5 year old me experienced being openly rejected as ‘Queen of the year’ aged 5 because I wasn’t dressed as a princess.
7 years old me who was beaten up by a boy at school because he found out I had a crush on him and he was disgusted by me daring to associate with him. He stayed in the same class as me, no punishment given, because apparently I was in the wrong.
8/9 year old me who was stalked by a boy in school who wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer and after he threatened me with a flick comb (which he made me believe was a knife), was given the ‘boys being boys’ chat whilst I was made to feel stupid by my teachers, because it was a comb. His parents were never told.
I internalised this pain because I didn’t have a safe space to go at home, and whilst my experiences of being (or not being) parented were pretty sh*t and traumatic, on a basic level, 'boomer' parents often had no space for their children either; it was 'crack on and keep going'.
Maybe you can relate to that last part, even though your experiences may have been different?
As I got older, I still didn’t have a sense of who I was, and my self esteem was low and only bolstered by how others viewed me, and if I was liked, which very much lead to a connection between how I looked, what I wore, and how I was perceived.
In 1999, I decided to retrain as a personal trainer, due to the way I had been helped to feel better through exercise. It had awakened something in me that wanted to serve, however it also awakened something even bigger.
I didn’t really have a positive or negative view of my body until the year 2000, in fact I didn’t really give it any prominence because none of the men or women around me had up to that point.
This is the time when body scrutiny became a HUGE thing for women- magazines shaming women because men shaming women; another platform for misogyny was born.
2000 was a defining year for 23 year old me, she passed her PT qualifications and embarked on her new career. Looking back I still class her as one of my inner children. She was still a baby in my eyes now, even though she was forced to grow up very young; she should have been protected.
In one encounter with 2 men, it was also cemented how I felt about my body, and started a 20 year inner and outer battle with my body.
I was a great PT and class instructor. I was passionate, dedicated and growing to love it. I wore was what was available and comfortable for me- short shorts and a crop top where the thing that most people wore and it was a evolution from the leotard of the 80’s- if anything it felt like covering up!
I was at a gym party on Saturday evening, and was chatting to a guy who had trained Madonna- MADONNA- along with one of the members who came to class. I was singled out and laughed at by both for ‘being fat’ and ‘having cellulite’ and ‘maybe shouldn’t be wearing the short shorts… to my face.
I internally crumbled and started to hate my fat, disgusting body. I learned self loathing as a way of protecting myself, which lead to disordered eating, the need to be smaller, the need to be less ‘obvious’ in the world.
It lead to an emotionally abusive relationship where I was body shamed regularly, and told what was acceptable to wear and how to behave.
Looking back, of course this was the relationship I would end up in, I didn’t really have the confidence for anything else and it fit with my belief system.
For me, that one night laid the upper foundations that had paved the way for something bigger and ultimately lead me to being in destructive relationships that suffocated my soul and made me physically and emotionally unsafe.
I finally got out of that relationship, but in turn, turned on myself even more, which was always the point of misogyny- control to the point where your control makes the other believe the same.
It took until 2020 when I finally, accepted 'me' in the beautiful body that housed my soul, and I realised that I had been enduring this sh*t for far too long.
It’s really not new, but it’s gaining even more traction now as men are largely not in control of women anymore- hence the Andrew Tate army gaining so much traction.
But now, we as women, have started to learn that we can be bigger, bolder and braver, and as belittled gen x’ers and elder millennials rise through menopause, we are fighting back.
And I have realised that alongside wanting women to live their best lives, I also want them to rise above the misogyny too, and to challenge and exit spaces where they are unsupported due to ‘being a woman’ and instead of trying to be anxiously perfect; it's about being themselves, in the glorious messiness we all share.
Loving yourself goes way deeper than what I have been giving it credit for; its a generational healing of trauma and a chance to rewrite beliefs, and send a ripple effect to everyone around us, whether we are Mothers in the traditional sense or not.
We are re-raising our inner children to be secure, held and loved by being the adults who wear whatever they like, choose the job and career that’s right for them, and seek to have their true self celebrated, liked and loved by the people that want to, and to give ZERO f*cks about the ones that don’t.
Women being unapologetically themselves matters even more in a misogynistic world; this is our fight for the next generations to come.
Learning to love yourself IS the process of recreating the blueprint- maybe it's time to go internal and create the external life you need or desire?
I dive deeper in my podcast on self love topics on ‘The Self Love Podcast’ you can listen on apple or spotify here or search ‘wherever you listen….
For now though, maybe taking some time to self reflect will be a great way of getting closer to ‘you’.
Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself…
💚 Where has misogyny affected the way I view myself?
💚 What would I like to say to that misogyny (feel free to be very candid!)?
💚 How would my life feel if I could change those thoughts and feelings I hold about myself in relation to my life?
This is food for thought- let it perculate in your mind or your journal and see what comes next!
If you'd like to receive emails like this directly to your inbox every 1-2 weeks, you can sign up here and whilst you are on my website, maybe you would like to check out the services I offer as an accredited Integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach? You can head over to my therapy page to find out more about how I can support your journey to your finding - and loving- your true 'Self'.
Hope to see you soon, change creator
Elaine 🙌
Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.
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