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I mean, the title suggests that this is going to be 'quite' a blog post, not overly 'festive' in the traditional sense and I would certainly agree.
And as I write this, part of me says 'speaking about trauma at Christmas is so wrong! It should be a happy time'....which makes this even more purposeful, as that's EXACTLY the 'thing' I want to get to.
Firstly I will caveat this by saying I love the 'fun' elements of Christmas. I love decorating the tree, buying small meaningful gifts for people and cooking Christmas dinner. What I don't like is the societal and social norms that have been ramped up, particularly with the rise of the 'social media identity' that helps us to pretend everything is brilliant when it might be anything but; which can also throw us into a pit of not enoughness... and I haven't even ventured into families yet!
Let me start with the 'ghost of Christmas past'....
At this time our inner child self is hugely triggered by both the season and family dynamic... for me, Christmas was a time of, well, nothingness. There was no money, so very little, if anything, in the way of presents. The room was decorated but I recall it being a very depressive time, despite the ceiling glitz and white tinsel tree. I don't remember ever having a Christmas dinner...although of course it may have happened. None of my core memories are of a happy time at Christmas... my overwhelming thoughts and feelings are of being the 'good girl', and trying to make it all better by saying it was ok.... and by becoming the parent to a very depressed Mother.
Before I realised the truth and trauma of my whole childhood, and realised this was actually a people pleasing pattern of my whole childhood, my adult and often 'single' Christmases became a hybrid of fun with friends and then the 'have to' of Christmas day and spending it in places where I felt I didn't belong... when I did start to separate from my Mother, I realised how much the facade of the public show of togetherness mattered but not really for the reasons it should have.
Which brings me to the ghost of Christmas present...
Well, the last 5 years.
I've been blessed in that time to have spent Christmas with friends, and I've been so grateful for the invite... but the thing that hit me the most?
The curse of the 'shoulds' aka 'festive f*ckery'
You 'should' spend it with family (no matter what)
You 'should' be in a relationship (no matter what)
You 'should' have kids (because that's who christmas is for)
You 'should' do the 'right' thing (be a 'good girl' `and ignore your feelings)
You 'should' buy gifts for everyone (even though you aren't sure if you will make rent this month)
I felt very lost at times over the last 5 years, and Christmas made that lost feeling even worse. The loneliness was compounded by the shame of being a 'no one' based on societal and social norms (shoulds), my unravelling trauma, and not being 'chosen'.
My worst case scenario happened last year. I didn't celebrate Christmas and I spent the day alone. I chucked myself into work, and made it as 'normal' as I could.
No shoulds. No festive fcuks given.
And whilst it wasn't what I desired... it was ok.
I cried. I survived.
The shoulds didn't get me.
Being single and childfree can be really hard at this time of year, particularly if you have no family. Single people don't want to feel like a burden; they don't want to ask for an invite. We just want to be included, and feel like we matter, and that outside of the shoulds, we still belong.
The conclusion to this tale and how to thrive?
True happiness is not found is expensive gifts
Financial boundaries and a budget that works for you is essential....true happiness is not found is expensive gifts
It's more than ok to have small, quiet Christmas... and not post it on social media.
It's ok to say no or cancel commitments if you are at your energetic limit (and even if you're not)
People may not be happy with your choices- that doesn't mean they are wrong choices
Matching PJ's, a partner and children do not equal a perfect Christmas
You don't have to play into the 'good child' narrative as an adult
Check on your single friends and extend an invite if you feel able to
If you are grieving, depressed, burned out or ill.... you can, and should, rest.
And if you are not? You can, and should, rest.
I told myself that this year would be different, and it is. I planned to go away if I wasn't spending it with people. Being back 'home' has opened many doors. I have my community of friends, with an invite for dinner and also the opportunity to host for me and a friend....which means I can cook, and decorate and do all the things I like with someone I adore.
I no longer subscribe to the stress part and I promise I have found the courage to do all of the above (and more) to help me thrive.
The ghost of Christmas future...
What's next? More of the same... but that more of the same happens with who you become on the space between Christmas Day 2024 and Christmas Day 2025.
You see Christmas is just an exaggerated version of life, with the added 'pressure' of more 'shoulds' in less time.
So my advice? For Festive f*ckery to go f*ck itself, you need to make changes to find more of 'you' in the spaces inbetween.
And with that my friends, I wish you all peace and goodwill over the festive period, and a magnificent truckload of rest.
Speak soon, and don't forget to go love yourself some more today.
Elaine x
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