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Why can't I be kind to myself? The art of self compassion and how not to mentally 'beat yourself up'

Writer's picture: Elaine DentonElaine Denton

Updated: Jan 13


From a former 'self hater', who healed her relationship to herself and is now a therapist being others do the same...



Before becoming a yoga teacher, then a life coach, and now a certified psychotherapist, self love wasn't on my radar...in fact it was so far off my radar I didn't know it existed. 2016 me awakened to the little voice inside that said 'you couldn't do that, don't be stupid', 'why are you such an idiot' ... and at even worse. 'you look disgusting... no one would ever want you'... (there's more but you get the gist).


This is really hard for me to read now 😢... because it's so far from the truth for me (now) that when I say these things I feel really sad for the old me having to listen to this day in, day out.


It was never true, but I believed it deep down to my core.


beliefs = thoughts = feelings

The words in my head connected to two things- my self doubt (which was so huge I believed I was unloveable) and my emotions (I had low level constant anxiety from as early as I can remember until I was 44, alongside rage explosions and epic emotional meltdowns, mainly under the influence of alcohol).


According to NLP theory, our beliefs influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviours that pretty much gives us the sum total of life as we know it.


All 2016 me knew was that she was deeply unhappy...and that is when I got help and started the epic journey to where I am now.


One of the things I have cultivated to a point that it now comes naturally is self compassion... but what is it, really?


If you google it you will get many explanations... I actually like this one, from Wikipedia of all places:


Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or suffering. It involves self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness

 

Imagine for a moment the person or pet you love most in world... imagine they've behaved in a way that is not ideal, and have caused some kind of challenge to themselves or others. Now imagine the words you would offer them to help them through or to relax...this is the kind of compassion you can (and need to) learn for yourself.


Why?


'Research indicates that self-compassionate individuals experience greater psychological health than those who lack self-compassion. For example, self-compassion is positively associated with life satisfaction, wisdom, happiness, optimism, curiosity, learning goals, social connectedness, personal responsibility, and emotional resilience. At the same time, it is associated with a lower tendency for self-criticism, depression, anxiety, rumination, thought suppression, perfectionism, and disordered eating attitudes'...... (again Wikipedia coming up with the goods)


And honestly? It feels pretty f*cking good too.


When my clients come to me, they will undoubtedly have negative self talk, a lot of self criticism and hatred for simply being themselves… it’s the voice of unresolved trauma and confusion; deeper beliefs of ‘not being good/liked/loveable enough’… it’s essentially the voice of who they think they are. 


Maybe that resonates for you, too? 


Criticism will usually accompany 2 coping strategies that have become habit over time- avoidance/procrastination and then criticising yourself for not doing it or over achieving/ perfectionism with unrealistic expectation and success without the self celebration (and actually more criticism)… the latter often leading to either giving up or sabotaging success to start again or looking for the next ‘big thing’ that WILL make you happy (note to self: it won’t, it’s a fruitless task when trapped in this cycle. 


Your body do this to keep you safe from external criticism, dislike and shame (the ‘most harmful’ of the negative emotional landscape we find ourselves in).


So I am guessing the magic question you are asking is...


How can I be kinder to myself? To offer myself this compassion that I seem to find so hard, yet self criticism comes so easily?


It's very likely that the self compassion you lack, is the compassion. you never received just for 'being you' as a child.


For being human

For making mistakes

For failing


For many reasons, your parents, caregivers, teacher or peers may have been overly critical to you, and at some point you started to believe their words. You probably internalised it from a very young age and didn't so 'that's not true' because you were fearful... fearful of the authority and fearful that it was true.


Self doubt, and indeed self criticism, is a perceived and learned thought pattern that over time becomes a subconscious behaviour....meaning you automatically do it when you f*ck up in life and often when you don't.


The good news?


Like any thought patterns and behaviours you can change them... at any time and at any age.


Now... the likelihood is that there is deep some healing work to do to get over the BS that your parents, caregivers etc instilled on you, but that doesn't stop you practicing self compassion right now.


Interrupt your self talk and change it... but make it believable. Your mind won't initially allow you to think you are good enough when your belief is that you are not... so start with 'I am ok/I did ok/ it didn't work but I am ok...'

Turn shame into guilt and then guilt into ease: Shame is 'I am bad', Guilt is 'I did something wrong'... first of all 'did you do anything wrong? Really?' if not let it go. If you did, make amends; make it right and then? Let it go.

Celebrate wins and failures: Failure means you gave it a go. Winning means the same. Make them more equal.

Practice regular acts of kindness for yourself- this means self care and getting your needs met.

Get some professional help- asking for help when you need it is self compassion in action, and it will help to heal what lies beneath... creating a new belief system is key to long term change


To hear more on this, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into 'self compassion' and there are over 70 episodes on self love. If you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self compassion and self love.


See you soon, self love seeker!


Elaine 🙌


Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.

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