Why can't I be happy on my birthday?

From a former 'self hater' with a dysfunctional child/adulthood who healed her relationship with herself and is now a therapist helping others to do the same...

As I write this, I have received my 48th orbit around the sun… in other words.. I had a birthday and I am now 48 years old.

Thankfully, being a psychotherapist who specialises in self love, I have made peace with the ageing process... but I use to have a different reason for not liking them all that much.

I often used to wonder... 'Why can't I be happy on my birthday?'

Even the song tells you should.

So why did my birthdays feel different?

Birthdays used to be a huge deal for me. Having had one absent parent, and one who exhibits high amounts of narcissistic traits, it was always a time that was never really about me. 

We are told that birthdays are important; they should be celebrated. You should get gifts, appreciation and an outpouring of love for simply being you, year after year. 

And the bigger the gesture of love?

The more you are worth.

So if that doesn't happen? 

You may desperately want to be celebrated, but not know how to- or want to- ask for it; you want people to love you so much that they know exactly what you want and need on your birthday (even when you don't tell them, and you may even act like you want minimal fuss, and it leaves you feeling a little angry, sad or empty and essentially rejected, wondering ‘why not me?’

You may also ignore or hide your birthday and create minimal attention so you can't be let down...and then feel that sense of if 'it' doesn't matter, I don't matter.

You may also arrange your own celebrations meticulously, so that it can be exactly as you want it ...and then wonder why no one does it for you like they seem to do for others, feeling the same hurt and rejection.

I can tell you, all of these have been me at various times. 

And this may also resonate even if you felt your childhood was good or ok. 

So has this changed for me? 

YES. 

When did I notice this change? 

My birthday, 2024. 

I went to Egypt for my birthday- alone- and the staff celebrated me so hard, my inner child felt like she didn't really need it. 

The part of me that was desperate for love, was desperate to be celebrated, even as an adult, by her parents… that part of me that was hanging on for crumbs in the hope of the whole damn birthday cake? 

She's happy. Content. Loved by her older, adult self…. and it feels bloomin' great.  

I also decided that this year, I would turn off my birthday on facebook- I get a lot of messages of celebration every year, I wondered how it would be to get a few. 

And actually? It felt fine. 

A big part of me was worried about not looking popular, of course. We are conditioned to to believe that the bigger the celebration the higher worth we have, which is why we often feel so hurt when the people in our lives who are the most special, and held in high esteem, don't celebrate us in a way that feels good or somehow manages to make it about them, even in their absence. 

So how did I get to this sense of 'enoughness'?

I had therapy to ensure that the 'parts' of me that felt abandoned feel loved and secure.

I rewrote the beliefs I held that self worth = anything other than the value I place on myself (instead of external validation)

I constantly 'check in' on myself to see where I am at, what I need and I am not afraid to ask for it where I can.

As adults, we don't need to fear abandonment. We do life safely (and rather well) without having our parents/others validation or approval.

We just have to learn to teach those fearful, vulnerable, exiled parts of ourselves the same, and create the safe space we always needed ourselves.

To hear more on this, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into 'self love'. If you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self and self love.

See you soon, self love seeker!

Elaine 🙌

Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.