90's nostalgia, simpler times coupled with the harsh reality of growing up as a gen x/late millennial

From a former 'self hater' with a dysfunctional child/adulthood who healed her relationship with herself and is now a therapist helping others to do the same...

There is something so simple we can learn from this episode from friends about the simpler times of the 90's, that can help build our sense of 'being enough'... but how was living in this 'era' really?

I was 13 in 1990, so my formative years were influenced by the so called 'magical' decade before it all changed...but was it really that magical?

The amount of Gen X and late millennial clients I see would suggest not, as would my own experience.

There was (in general) some lack of emotional connection from 'boomer' parents (see also: generational trauma) and it was often 'do as your told, not what you see me doing' kind of situation for many. They grew up in a different time, they were in a post war 'hangover' of change. They had their own trauma, and often didn't know what to do with it. A lot of people who grew up in the 80's/90's will recall 'not being hugged' or told they were 'loved'. They were often well catered for- food, shelter etc- which boomers grew up believing it was better than they had because it was. Our parents didn't have a guide book on how to parent or the access we have now to all of the info. Unless they were abusive, it's likely they were doing their version of the best, but it's more than ok (and important for you to acknowledge that may still have impacted you.

Sibling intros weren’t a thing- you just had to suck it up (which is why sibling placement created a lot of repressed feelings, particularly in boys being treated preferentially than girls). It's really hard being the the only child for a couple of years and then out of nowhere comes someone who gets the care you once had all for you, without any explanation as to 'why', which was they needed more care at that point, and you were seen as not needing 'as much'. We were taught to be responsible from as early as possible, which means we lost a lot of nurturing at a time when we were building sense of self.

Divorce rates in England and Wales peaked in 1993, with 165,000 divorces recorded. It’s great that people felt empowered to leave an unhappy relationship, but there were no guidebooks on how to co parent or make sure the kids were ok. We weren’t ok. Divorce for children (and parents) is traumatic, but with no guidance on how to make it better? We were all raw dogging the experience and it shows.

We grew up a time when if you were 'clever' or 'hard working' the teachers focussed on you, and if weren't they didn't. I missed my last year of school because no one cared enough to encourage me; this wasn't just a school issue obvs, but like a lot of the 'drop-outs' I had potential, I just needed someone to see it too. You may also have experienced pressure from your parents to 'be who they weren't' which may have meant pursuing their dreams as your own or being pushed into being a 'success'. You may also have experienced parents who didn't care at all, and allowed you to bunk off school because they didn't want to be seen as the bad cop.

The 'benefits class' (that I grew up in) was pretty bleak. if you didn't have carpets or a fridge they weren't automatically provided in a council flat at that time. It was bare minimum. Council estates were full of kids that bonded over the trauma of having next to nothing (alongside other, deeper stuff) and a LOT of dysfunction. It was filled with community, but also a lot of criminal activity. I experienced and saw a lot when I was a kid that didn't need to be seen.

We were part of the 'latch key' generation. Streetwise and sneaky af because no one knew where we were. But also no one knew where we were. We weren't tracked. This to a youngster could have felt like freedom or also like abandonment or loss and survival, because we had to fend for ourselves. We got away with a LOT and sometimes dangerous situations because we weren't old enough to know better.

Our parents were often young, which meant house parties that we shouldn't have been affected by, but often were. Drunk adults are very scary to a young child, especially of they are strangers.

The rave culture was still in full flow, which transitioned into clubbing. Drugs like LSD and Ecstasy were easily available, as was alcohol. Yes we got drunk at 13. Yes we took drugs too. Was it because it was 'fun' or were we escaping the reality of what we were experiencing? It could be either- this would be dependent on what was going on at home and for each individual, bit There's a reason we ain't doing that now and Gen Z are in their wellness and therapy era.

Tabloid and trashy media became a thing. Misogyny was rife within it. Atkins and diet culture took on a whole darker edge and carbs became the enemy. Our impressionable minds took it in like a sponge and constantly worrying about our bodies became a thing...

Like all things, two truths can exist at once. The series 'Love Story' shows that albeit on a romanticised stage.

So was it all bad?

It was a simpler era for sure, and the magnitude for comparison was way less... we had very little, so in many ways we were grateful for way more.

Like many others, the tv show Friends is my comfort blanket because it has been ever present for over 30 years (when my parents weren't)- that's over half my life! It's a familiar and safe part of me I can access, and for a lot, it became a safe presence (as did Neighbours and Home and Away). Same time, same place, every day and week.

And yes, some of the shows narrative isn't ok- some of it is transphobic, and homophobic.

Buuuut...so was the 90's. That was a big part of our reality too.

Do I believe it shows how far we've come?

Absolutely. To know that it's not ok now, is to know that it wasn't ok then. We just didn't realise it. And a large number of us do now.

One of the things that did strike me though, as I caught a clip the other day, was the celebration of the small, the mundane and the trivial part of being human in the 90's.

In the Season 4, Episode 6, Rachel attempts to complete the crossword puzzle 'all by herself'. It was her only task and she took it seriously.

And when she completed it? She told her friends and made sure they celebrated her.

The crossword completion?

IT WAS MORE THAN ENOUGH.

It occured to me that this is what I do with clients in therapy. We focus on the 'small wins' which are actually EVERYTHING AND MORE.

Because the more we celebrate ourselves for the small stuff, the less we need the big stuff.

Our inner child parts LOVES to be congratulated and celebrated for the things they maybe didn't back then.

It's a part of 'reparenting' ourselves and it works, especially when it's the first time you do something.

It's the paying a bill when the partner you lost used to handle it.

It's the putting your own bins out after a divorce.

It's the first presentation you write in your new job.

It's the first presentation you deliver in your new job.

It's saying no to a friend for the first time.

It's saying yes to you for the first time.

It's getting up in the morning when the world feels too much.

It's having your first shower after giving birth.

This is how we build ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down, and this is somehting we can take from the simplicity of the 90's.

Use this as a moment to reflect- what have you been minimising that you could maximise and celebrate yourself for? What have you done today that makes you feel proud af that you haven't told anyone?

Post 90's, we've been told that only the 'big things' matter, and they have to 'be seen' for us to be anything.

Nope. Nada. BS.

I know as an ex party girl, and general over 'consumer' that that yearning to be enough?

It starts with the smallest of things becoming the BIGGEST.

To hear more on this, Pop over to my podcast where I dive deeper into tall things self love, and how it plays out for me. If you feel ready to be supported in your journey by me, an accredited psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my website to find out more about how I can support your journey into self and self love.

See you soon, change creator!

Elaine 🙌

Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.