Can self love really help to lower your stress levels?

Words of wisdom from a former 'self hater' with a dysfunctional child/adulthood who healed her relationship with herself and is now a therapist helping others to do the same...

More self love= less stress

Stress. We can't get away from it, but what do we do when it keeps constantly coming, constantly overwhelming and the end of the tether keeps being reached? And can self love really help to lower your stress levels?

My name's Elaine, and before I became a therapist I was 'trapped' in a stress cycle that I believed was normal life, and using many different things to cope with it- from buying clothes to the point of serious debt, binge drinking to the point self sabotage, engaging in toxic relationships and using control in other areas as a way to offset the ever increasing anxiety and inner criticism that came with it.

I thought if I had life coaching to give me clarity and goals that my life would change

I thought if I did yoga and meditation my life would change

I thought if I changed my job, my life would change

I thought that if I dated better people my life would change

I thought if I changed friends my life would change

I did all of the above and guess what?

The stress remained, it just transferred into the 'newness' I created.

Because my stress wasn't being entirely created externally; it was also coming from within

Before we go a little deeper, it's good to look at the words we use as a way of creating a more meaningful self reflection and what might be ‘real' (external) or can be ‘created’ (internal) or even a combo of the two which is the most disruptive…

A stressor is anything event that triggers a stress response in the body- these can be:

External: events or conditions outside of you such as work events, traffic jams, debt, difficult relationships…

Internal: thoughts, beliefs, physical and mental health conditions, high expectations you place on yourself, chronic worrying, inner criticism and perfectionism.

Stress is the physical and emotional reaction you feel- it's a warning sign that something is a threat- these can be:

• Acute Stress: Short-term, immediate stress that comes and goes quickly. It happens in response to a sudden event, an upcoming exam, a job interview, or a near-miss accident. It triggers a brief "fight-or-flight" response and usually fades once the event passes

• Episodic Acute Stress: Frequent, recurring episodes of acute stress. This happens when someone constantly lives in chaos, takes on too much work, or worries excessively, leading to higher levels of fight/flight/freeze response, with less fluctuation or ability to return to a stable ‘baseline' and can lead to physical conditions like headaches and high blood pressure.

• Chronic Stress: Long-term, continuous stress that persists for weeks, months, or longer. It stems from inescapable situations like severe financial trouble, a toxic workplace, or an unhappy home life. Over time, it can lead to burnout, GAD, depression and physical conditions like chronic heart disease

When we can look at something purely objectively- which means facts and evidence without personal bias- we can often downgrade a ‘basic’ threat more easily, and often use our power to mitigate circumstances, usually via communication and not be afraid of the outcome of it.. even with episodic acute stress, we might be able to find a solution and the light at the end of the tunnel.

For example facing into relationship difficulties rather than avoiding them to ‘protect feelings’ (which causes more chronic stress) or calling ahead to your Manager to explain the traffic situation as early as possible rather than trying to make it on time to ‘save face’ (which causes acute stress). 

What makes the stress often way more intense is when the external and the internal combine to create a kind of super stress cycle that feels impossible to get out of; we find ourselves ‘trapped’ in the subjectivity of internal stressors- our stress is largely based on personal thoughts, beliefs, physical and mental health conditions, high expectations, chronic worrying, inner criticism and perfectionism. 

This can look like avoiding relationship difficulties because of your beliefs and fears about being single, alone, a failure or being rejected meaning nothing gets resolved and often gets worse internally or constantly trying to be a ‘good employee’ because of your fears of being seen as a failure, not good enough or even sacked (and both often spiral into the bigger picture of house, car, finances and children). 

You might be (like I was) doing all the meditation, yoga practices and having all the holidays and will still find yourself reaching peak levels of ‘arrrrrrgh’ everyday and nothing is really changing. 

You may even (like I did) leave relationships, change your job or even change location in the hope that it would all feel better….yet somehow it hasn't worked and you are left wondering ‘why?’. 

It' might be because your beliefs about YOU are the things that need the attention, not just the things that are in- or out- of your life. 

When we can learn that we are relatively safe to have difficult conversations, to experience micro or macro failures and rejections and that we are simple humans doing our best (most of the time), we might just start to realise WE CAN change situations for the better, and the stress levels become more ‘regular'. 

It's true that life sucks at times and we experience huge amounts of crap, sometimes all at the same time. But when we can change the emotional blueprint that somehow we can't cope, or that we personally deserve it, you will find a greater capacity to deal with it when needed, and let it go when you don't. 

Learning to love yourself IS the process of recreating the blueprint- maybe it's time to go internal and create the external life you need or desire?

I dive deeper in my podcast on stress and how a better relationships with YOU can help with some examples of how passing stress becomes chronic when you don't believe you are worthy or 'enough'... you can listen on apple or spotify here or search ‘The Self Love Podcast’ wherever you listen….

For now though, maybe taking some time to self reflect will be a great way of getting closer to ‘you’. 

Take a few deep breaths and ask yourself…

💚 Where do I feel stress is taking over in my life? 

💚 Where might this be coming from an internal place? 

💚 How would my life feel if I could change the thoughts and feelings I hold about myself in relation to my life?  

This is food for thought- let it perculate in your mind or your journal and see what comes next!

If you'd like to receive emails like this directly to your inbox every 1-2 weeks, you can sign up here and whilst you are here on my website, maybe you would like to check out the services I offer as an accredited Integrative psychotherapeutic counsellor and coach, head over to my therapy page to find out more about how I can support your journey to your finding - and loving- your true 'Self'.

Hope to see you soon, change creator

Elaine 🙌

Disclaimer: This blog is to provoke new thinking and reflection in the given subject. It is not, therefore, a replacement for therapy, or in any way acting as therapy. The tips or advice given are to be taken as your own choice, and to explore what you may need to work through with a professional in a 1:1 setting. It is written as a more lighthearted exploration, rather than a formal academic piece, which reflects facts, theories, others and my own viewpoints that I feel connect with the subject.